Healthy relationships center on a few key concepts: respect, communication and consent. Healthy relationships increase our self-esteem, improve mental and emotional health, and help us have fuller lives.

Negotiating better sex

Some common aspects of healthy relationships include:

  • Mutual respect
  • Trust and honesty
  • Patience
  • Reciprocity, or “give and take”
  • Communication
  • Feeling supported and supporting others
  • Fairness and equality within the relationship
  • Emotional intimacy or closeness
  • Being able to have your own life apart from the other
  • Being able to set personal limits with self and others
  • Willingness to compromise

The key to negotiating better sex relies heavily on being authentic. When it comes to dating someone new, however; we’re on our best behavior, hoping our shiny new lover picks up on the subtle hints. Appear too demanding about your sexual desires and the newly minted relationship could end before it ever started.

Every physical relationship includes a ‘honeymoon’ phase. Once that’s over, breakups usually will happen over sexual compatibility. That’s why the first three months don’t count. One reason is because we base our ideas of sex on what’s in the media, or in movies, or past relationships. It’s very easy and very human, to assume our sexual needs will be granted once our partner becomes more available, or when we’ve made a serious commitment. But just because Burger King says you can have it your way, does not mean that goes for sexual relationships.

Here’s are just a few ways negotiating better sex can feel less like buying a car and more about discovering a hidden treasure. 

Set the Tone

Negotiating for anything can be intellectually and emotionally taxing. It’s fair to say when discussing anything, especially your sex life, it’s better when you’re in a good head space. Because sex is a tricky subject, you will want to be prepared for unexpected emotional reactions your partner may have, and meet it with a smile and acknowledgment.

Show Some Respect

Make negotiating better sex mutually beneficial by blocking the urge to argue. Instead of taking everything personally, use your intelligence and make constructive changes with focused and intent listening. When your partner is feeling heard, they will be willing to participate in new adventures.

Fantasy versus Reality of Negotiating Better Sex

We all have certain expectations when it comes to having a satisfying sex life. But sometimes our partner will fall short of those expectations. Yeah, it was great getting 3 blowjobs a day, but as time goes by, it may no longer be feasible. Adapt to the changes in your relationship by comparing the unrealistic with the doable.

Don’t Hold Back

If we don’t inform our partners of what we want, we don’t leave much room for negotiating better sex. A good number of couples will keep some sexual secrets under lock and key, while others tragically hide them their entire lives. It is entirely possible in making your needs and desires known by prioritizing what you can and cannot live without. Make things as clean as possible by offering how it will make you feel in the long run.

Set Clear Limits

Compromising is common in all relationships. The reality is our partners don’t owe us anything when it comes to having sex. What we do owe, to ourselves and each other, is trust, communication, honesty, mutual respect, and acceptance. Be willing and carry your own weight by setting clear limits. This will ultimately lead to a greater love and understanding in all relationships.

Love Thyself

We all have hungry times and dry spells. While we can work with our partner in making sexy time both manageable and enjoyable, it is not healthy for anyone to have sex when they don’t want to. Having sex solely for the purpose of making someone happy will eventually lead to disaster. You can start by taking matters into your own hands during dry spells. Neither you or your partner have the right to demand sex solely because you want it in the here and now.

Use Your Head

It’s easy to be distracted by “ultimate secret in sex tips,” or salacious Cosmopolitan headlines which are created to sell more magazine copies than offer practical and sound advice. The best sex tip anyone can give is understanding you first, and then your partner. By accepting both as they are, and by talking with your partner, negotiating better sex can become a normal part of your daily routine. If we are evaluating and discussing our sexual selves daily with sincerity, not only will we find greater sexual satisfaction, we will develop skills for communication, negotiation, and self-realization that positively affects every part of your life.


Being able to have an open, honest conversation about your sex life is vital. Sex can improve in any relationship but both people need to be able to voice their needs without embarrassment. Are you creating an environment where both you and your spouse feel comfortable talking to each other about these things? Or are you creating an environment in which you expect your spouse to be a mind reader?

Listen, expecting your spouse to read your mind about anything is ludicrous. Expecting your spouse to know exactly what you want in bed is just not realistic. Try practicing saying what you like and what you don’t when having sex. Encourage your spouse to continue to do the things that feel great and, without being hurtful, explain the things that aren’t so great.

These conversations can be a tad awkward at first. Yet being able to talk about these things will not only make you sex life better, it will enhance your overall relationship. Speak with your spouse today about being more open with each other in bed.

There is no magical fix when it comes to sex. People are not born with exceptional love making skills. It takes work and intentionality to create and maintain an amazing sex life with your spouse. These sex tips can really make a difference in your relationship. I truly believe that, if you start putting these three things into practice, you and your spouse could enjoy better sex in your relationship today!